I could tell story after story of pretending to be asleep and him coming into my bedroom regardless if my mom was home or not. He raped me at 11 and a half and I ran and locked myself in the bathroom in pain.
I then had a babysitter who must have been in her 20’s as I remember she had a baby. I decided that if Mary had a baby without sex then I might be able to pass off having a baby and say that I was like Mary. I understood nothing but somehow, I was frightened of getting pregnant and then explaining what had happened and I was so ashamed I did not want my mom to know. This babysitter must have thought that I was crazy, as I argued that this could happen. Well, one day I brought home a paper to go to the YMCA camp for summer and the form said have you ever had a period or something to that effect. My stepfather read it and got worried I guess because he figured if I had never started my period I could not get pregnant. My stepfather had a friend who was a doctor and he gave him a pill that I took. I am sure that he told the doctor that he was cheating on my mom with another woman and she needed something to start her period. This was in the very early 60’s so I have no idea what he gave me.
He constantly attacked me and once beat my back with a razor cord. I ran and avoided him, and once he scared the shit out of me by driving me to the middle of no place and he drove to a house that he said belonged to a friend out of town and asked me to get in the house. I would not get out of the car and he tried pulling me out, but he gave up. I would spend all day by the swimming pool at the resort that my mom and he worked at, he would get a room for us to change into and tell me to go to the room and I would not, I would stay outside all day. I have a photo of me sitting on the end of a diving board at that pool and I was such a young little girl of 12. I get sad when I think of how difficult a life I had.
I cannot remember a day that he did not sexually harass me, always playing it off like he was a monster trying to scare me like a joke, trying to touch and rub my legs while riding in the back-seat with my mom in the front-seat. I ran away from home at the age of 12. I went out into a vacant lot in the desert and laid in the dirt until I was cold and went home and slept in the garage and a policeman found me hiding. My mom grew so angry and all my life she would cut all my hair off like a pixie when she got mad. I was going into my freshman year of high school and she had all my hair cut off.
To get my stepfather to leave me alone, I would jerk him off with some vibrator he had, and then I ran away again. A girlfriend’s dad took me in for a weekend until my stepfather said he would have him arrested. I was all ready to go to a school Christmas dance when he decided I could not go. He was always mean and punishing me and as I was asked out on dates, I would come home to beatings and he choked me until I passed out and tossed me against the wall. Then one day, he came at me and I jumped out a window. I had 32 stitches on my leg. My mom backed him up always saying I was crazy or bad.
Finally, I doubled up classes just to get out of school and leave and I graduated early and ran away again. My sister was called, and she came and got me, and then she asked if he was sexually attacking me and I said yes. I went to go live with her. My mom knew he was a rapist, and that he raped me because he confessed to the VA mental doctor and he told my mom to stay with him for the family’s sake. My mom had my little brother.
My sister and I suffered from Stockholm syndrome. We carried on with our lives and put up with him in my mom’s life until the day he died. We kind of tried to protect my little brother, but he seemed to figure it out and asked us questions once he got older. We only spoke to each other about it and never said anything to my mom. My sister just died of cancer and she told me the cancer was a result of holding in her horror. My sister got mental therapy, but she was never the same and she tried to replace her bedroom of belongings by collecting millions of dolls all of her life.
I tried to seek help and the mental doctor tried hugging me and he was a creep. So maybe I am writing you because my sister died. I know what happened to me is not uncommon. I watched that show of the Mendoza brothers and I believe what happened to them is true. I know shame and being innocent is a sad state of affairs for children. I know back in my day everyone swept what they knew under the rug. I also have a list of women my age that have all had the same thing happen by Uncles, stepfathers, real fathers etc. and one girl I met got pregnant and her mom raised her baby, stayed with the stepfather and told her own daughter that they were to be sisters and not to tell anyone that the baby was hers. I also met a girl whose parents took her baby away and she went crazy.
I get mad when people say it is molesting when it is rape. I get mad at the ignorance of the judges who talk about the statute of limitation of being raped and reporting it. The whole me too thing was heartbreaking but especially for us who cannot even voice our me too(s) as it is too painful. I guess I have just crawled into a hole to avoid most human contact nowadays. I am 65 years old. All my life I have suffered from PTSD, with nightmares of someone standing over me trying to get me.
Many people do move on and forgive. I hope that my stepdad burns in hell if we have a hell, I did say that to my mom. I do not sit around and hate him but what he did was bad and unforgivable.
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